I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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