he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
pray to the hookup gods
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
