One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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