I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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