i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize