she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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