remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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