so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
