sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
