I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
