i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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