I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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