The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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