I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
