Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
