i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
