Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
