considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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