3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I love you.
Bad choice
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
