When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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