you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
he was CRYING into my vagina
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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