The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My pussy is not your playground.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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