Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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