I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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