just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize