I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
you had me at cake vodka
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
