You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
