I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Randomize
