Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
