I should be sponsored by Trojan
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Oh god it's open bar.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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