I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
