i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
