her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
