If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
All the doctor said was why
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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