I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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