I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize