im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
