I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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