my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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