Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
