i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
