You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
