That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
