just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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