if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
