the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
