I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
