I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
