She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
