You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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