I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
