Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
