apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
