her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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