I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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