i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I am one with the molecules
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Randomize
