i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize