just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
