I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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